Just in time

The holy month that's long awaited by Muslims all across the globe has finally reached. Ramadhan is here! A whole month of fasting, the purpose mainly to remember our Muslim brothers and sisters who are suffering from hunger. It is also for us to prepare ourselves for whatever is coming towards us in the future. 

Most Muslims have a goal to achieve in this holy month. Either to khatam the Quran in a month, to fully dedicate ourselves to ibadah by doing Qiamulail every night or to create a stronger bond between them and Allah SWT. For me, and as for probably other female Muslims, my goal is to wear the hijab throughout Ramadhan. I want to know how it feels like to cover my Aurah fully. I'd like to think this as a practice run for me wearing hijab in the future.

I've been thinking about covering my Aurah for a very long time now. I've always been contemplating on whether I should cover my Aurah and especially since I'm still young (Well, I think I'm young lol) But I've been having these thoughts, what would happen to me when suddenly God takes away my life. Or if Kiamat arrives and I have done nothing but disobey God's orders. These thoughts scares me and I think about them almost every night before I go to sleep. 

Even when I have these thoughts, I still think "Aww no, I'll just take my time. I don't think any of that is gonna happen soon" And I hate that. That there's a tiny voice saying its okay. Its not. So I prayed to God to give me signs or some guidance for me to be a better Muslim. To my surprise, He answered my prayers.

I attended this motivational training for teens. It's supposed to train us to be a future leader. It combines Islam and social science, I believe? And I was fully sponsored by an anonymous sponsor. Attending that training opened my eyes. About how many sins I've commit. How many times I've neglected the Creator. How many times I've never been grateful for what he has given me. 

Attending that training triggered something in me. That it was time. And the training was a few days before Ramadhan. So I thought it was the perfect timing for me to dedicate myself to Allah SWT. I don't want to make empty promises. So this Ramadhan, I will try my hardest to commit myself to my religion and always remember my Creator. Hopefully, I will fully cover my Aurah even after Ramadhan, InsyaAllah.

 

All I Want

I've been having weird emotional turnouts these past couple of weeks and its been hella annoying. One minute I would be acting crazy happy and the next I would be sobbing by myself when a friend of mine accidentally hit me. It didn't even hurt but I cried! Most of the time I would be having this bitchy attitude where everyone would literally hate me. I wouldn't smile, I would only reply to people in a very short sarcastic way to the point where my friend said I was rude. This worries me to be honest because I feel like its a natural thing for me to behave like this but the people around me don't seem to accept that. Since I had this emotional phase, the other day I felt like a person like me shouldn't even have close friends because people would eventually hate me. Wow, you're so harsh and blunt, Isyah. 

Anyway, that wasn't the point of this post though. Its 2.00 am and I just woke up from a very short deep sleep because of the sudden heat wave that crashed the atmosphere in my room. It was raining and cool when I slept, but I woke up to the blast of heat, the worst way to wake up really. Usually when I wake up I would straight away open my eyes and get up from bed when I fail to go back to sleep. But tonight I didn't because my room mate was on her phone talking really enthusiastically and I didn't want to be all awkward and be like "Sup" when she was busy talking on the phone.

So I laid on my hot bed. With my eyes closed. And I start to think. What do I want exactly. I believe that I'm bipolar because everything I do is indecisive. First I would decide to be like this and then I would decide that I'd better not. Like hell, I can't make a decision at all! Be it emotionally or physically,

Emotionally, it would be like what I wrote earlier, On how my moods are never certain. Oh and lately, I've been feeling eerily lonely. This is because all the people around me are somewhat involved with someone else while I'm here rotting alone. So sad la deyy. Pathetic even, hahaha. But I am at the age where I should have my very own boyfriend! I am coming out as a desperate woman aren't I? 

The weird thing is, until last night, I was feeling like this. Like I NEED to have a significant other in my life. But now after I woke up while listening to Marissa babble on with the other person at the other end of the line, I thought to myself, why should I? I am perfectly okay alone. I don't need anyone else in my life to make me feel good about myself. Me, myself and I can be the only source of happiness. I don't even need to suck up to anyone to make me feel better and less lonely.

I have my obsession that can keep me company. I have my interests and hobby to keep me company. I have my future career to keep me company. Why do I need a human being to keep me company? Okay maybe I need to find myself a man but I felt like its not the only thing in the world that I should be worried about. Its better for me to upgrade myself. 

For instance, I would seriously take up exercising (seriously), not to impress anyone else, but to impress myself. I would become this chic person that I always adored (Krystal from fx really is my role model lol) I would focus more on my mom's business without being embarrassed

Oh God, I'm only saying this but I'm just scared that I wont even do shit. Well lets just hope and pray that I wont back down. Cos I really want to improve myself and be a better and new me
HAHAHAHHAA

Funny la me. 

Fucking immature like fuck

Why enter university if you can't be mature and learn to differentiate a joke and a serious thing. Like fuck this is exactly why I feel like quitting all the fucking time. Fuck.

Daydream Gone Wrong

So I was on Twitter when someone posted up this certain text from Tumblr. I, as a hardcore fangirl, relates to this so much. I have to say, I am deeply embarrassed but yeah I do daydream about this kind of stuff really. It just comes with the package of being a fan I guess?

For me, I would create certain characteristics of my favourite bias. How he is in real life, like from my point of view. Basically what I WANT him to be. For example, Hanbin from iKon. His characterics would be shy, new to love, hardworking, always trying to satisfy other people. Especially me his "girlfriend" HAHAHAHA

I would imagine our first meeting, how our eyes met, how we talked, how we became close, how our love sparked, the struggle to meet him in public, how he took care of me when I was sick or harrased by his fans for being his "lover" LOL

All of this sounds absolutely absurd but in a way, it makes me happy. I'll find myself excitedly waiting to when I get the chance to shove my earphones in my ears and close my eyes, for the rain to come so I could take a nap, and for bedtime because the golden time for my daydreaming is when I close my eyes waiting for sleep to come. I sound very sad, sigh.

Its weird but its the only thing that keeps me going. Its like I have another life waiting for me before I sleep. The life the way I want it to be. Maybe its because I'm lonely and have no one to talk to so I create this illusion in my head to keep me company. Hahahaha, I guess thats kinda true.

The downfall, the downside, the saddest thing is that the person I'm dreaming of doesn't even know I exist. To him I'm just another fangirl who screams and squeals everytime he does something adorable or sexy.

To him I'm just a fangirl, but to me he's everything.

DANG, I SOUND LIKE A WEIRD ASS GIRL, SORRY...

The mind takes over the body

It's a Friday night, and I'm in my dark room with Lee Hi's soothing voice blaring off my speakers. I hadn't had the chance to update frequently because first, lack of idea and second, I have commitment issues lol. The second one is a real problem which I have yet to fix. Well, tonight, I heard a very interesting line. A line that could probably change my life forever *insert thunder sound effect.

"The mind takes over the body"

This line was, in a way, life changing? I was watching a Korean drama, It's Okay It's Love, where this conversation was between a psychologist doctor and a trainee about a condition of a woman who thinks she's pregnant to the point where the body begins to believe what she was thinking and begins to make the woman's body appear like she is pregnant (her stomach was bloated like a pregnant ladayy)

So I think to myself, maybe it's true. What we believe, our body will believe it too. Like how I always think I'm fat. Maybe that's why my body is making me fat because my body believes what I'm thinking. What if I start believing that I am thin with a fit body. Then my body would follow what I think. Maybe. Insyallah. Amin. Hahahaah

Same goes to us being happy and sad. If we believe we are sad about something, then our body will think we're sad and that's why we begin to feel lazy and soggy. So, next time we're feeling sad, just believe that we are happy. That way, we'll really be happy. I don't know if my theory is right since I haven't even tried it on myself. But based on my personal experience, when I'm sad, I WANT to be sad hahahaahahahahhahahahaha sorry for being such a drama queen.

But you know, maybe it's true though. My theory. Or maybe someone else figured it out first and I just figured it out now....... Oh well, from now on, start thinking positively. That's how we can achieve a very happy life with a happy ending! ^^ 

PFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFT, okay sorry. 

MIND OVER BODY PEOPLE

THE BODY BELIEVES WHAT THE MIND BELIEVES

THINK POSITIVE

YOU CAN DO THIS

Hahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahhahahahahahhahahaha !

Impossible dreams

Why must this world be cruel? Lol how dramatic. But really though, why does "envy" exist in our lives. I hate it. It's like me not appreciating all the things Allah SWT has given me. But I am. I'm happy as I'll ever be now but the feeling of ENVY keeps approaching.

I envy the people who has the things or someone I can't have. The things I can't reach. It's possible but it is not achievable. For instance, don't laugh, but I'm really into K-pop nowadays. Okay, you may laugh. I envy those Korean girls my age who got into the company they wanted, which for me is YG. It's stupid but yeah, I really do envy them. Training to be the next artist that YG is going to produce.

Next, I envy the people around me. I envy those who could go out and have fun and not care about anything. At least, I think they don't care about anything, based on the pictures they post on Instagram la. They live their life with no worries. Whereas I always have to be careful of what I'm doing. Always keeping a close watch on the things I do. Maybe it's just me or it's just how I was brought up.

Next. I envy the girl. The girl who has the guy. The guy who has everything in him that I ever wanted. The dream guy. This is the most frustrating thing ever because I know no matter what, I will never have him. I sound like a sad desperate weird girl *cue a girl with braces like Willy Wonka's and breathing heavily with drools coming out of her mouth. Nghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I hate this the most I'm not even kidding. Well, I guess I'll eventually forget about him. Eventually...........

There are loads of things that I envy but if I list the things out, I would feel guilty of myself because well, I need to appreaciate the things that are given to me, keucho? Alhamdulillah, I'm still living. Despite the things I envy, I'm still living under a roof and having 3 meals a days to add to that. Alhamdulillah.

Now, how do I get rid of all this feelings?

Loss

This year, has been a tough year, an eventful year. Not only for me, but for my family too. It all started with me getting my SPM results and getting into the university of my choice and course of choice. Happy happy. But then, like a massive wave crashing into the sands, the death of my beloved cousin.

No one expected this to happen.

Especially him.

It all started on the day which could've been one of the best and proudest day of my life and probably to my family. The news of my dearest cousin having cancer in his body. Stage four. Everyone said he couldn't make it. Everyone said its too late. But I don't believe it. Even the news of him having cancer was unbelievable to me. The thing is that he, out of everyone else in the world, he has to be the one to get this evil virus actively swimming inside his body. 

All this while, I just shook the fact of him being sick out of my mind and just talk to him and being the me I always am when I'm with him. Months went by and he showed good progress. Well of course, he started getting thinner but I joked on about that way he looks much more handsome than before. He was a fat kid, you see. 

From my eyes, he actually started getting better. And I thought, what I believed was true. That he doesn't have cancer at all or that the cancer was gone. He started acting hyper as he always is. Walking around like a really healthy kid. Like he always did. Joking around. But then, he started to fall. When he fell, he fell really bad.

He couldn't get up. He could just sit in his wheelchair and lie down. He would complain about how it hurts to me and my other family. I got into Lendu when he was sick, and I actually got the time to visit him on my way to Lendu. It was morning and he was sleeping soundly in his ward. Visitors weren't allowed to come in at the time but my aunt just told me to go in. So I did, with my dad. And I stared at him for the longest time. Just looking at him sleeping. Then my dad went out to call my aunt about something so I was left alone with him. I went by his bed and stroked his cheek and whispered goodbye to him as I was leaving. I couldn't help but shed a tear but being the "strong" girl I am, I just pushed back my tears and went out of the ward.

Days went by and suddenly when I came back for a short visit back to Shah Alam, he called. I didn't get to see him much after I got into Uni. He was crying. So badly. He said he needed help and he was hurting. I didn't know what to do. I heard my aunt's voice at the back saying to turn off the phone. That night, me and my sister went to visit him. We came by his room and he was crying still. Hurting. He held my hand and told me to help him ease the pain but I don't know how. That was the hardest thing I had to do. Looking at him crying and begging me to help him and I had no power to ease the pain he was going through. His dad came that night to take him to the hospital because of his pain. When we sent him to the car, he told me and my sister to follow him to the hospital. We told him we would. But we lied. My sister had something going on the next day.

I wish I followed him.

It turned out to be the last time I saw him.

The news of his going away was, again, unbelievable. I found out through my family's group chat on Whatsapp. 

"Memen dah meninggal"

I was in the living room. Dumbfounded. My brother came down and asked me if it was true. I couldn't answer him. I couldn't even answer myself. I just sat there staring into space when my cousin Aril, the brother of Memen, called my brother. Acin couldn't handle him, so he gave the phone to me. 

"Isyah, Memen dah takda. Isyah, Memen dah takda"

Over and over again. Wailing. I couldn't comfort him. I went in my room, trying to calm him down and he turned off the phone. I couldn't help but cursed him. But then I sat down on my bed. And lay facedown on my pillow. And cried. I cried so hard. The "strong" girl who always pushed back her tears were no longer there. I put all my feelings out. 

I know Allah SWT took him for a reason. Maybe its too ease the aching pain he's been having the last couple of weeks he was alive. 

Its been around 4 months and I still can't believe he's gone. Everytime I see his picture on my phone, I wouldn't shed a tear. I feel like he's still breathing. Playing games with his brothers at his house. With my grandma yelling at him for being too loud. Sigh, I miss that fat kid.