Just in time

The holy month that's long awaited by Muslims all across the globe has finally reached. Ramadhan is here! A whole month of fasting, the purpose mainly to remember our Muslim brothers and sisters who are suffering from hunger. It is also for us to prepare ourselves for whatever is coming towards us in the future. 

Most Muslims have a goal to achieve in this holy month. Either to khatam the Quran in a month, to fully dedicate ourselves to ibadah by doing Qiamulail every night or to create a stronger bond between them and Allah SWT. For me, and as for probably other female Muslims, my goal is to wear the hijab throughout Ramadhan. I want to know how it feels like to cover my Aurah fully. I'd like to think this as a practice run for me wearing hijab in the future.

I've been thinking about covering my Aurah for a very long time now. I've always been contemplating on whether I should cover my Aurah and especially since I'm still young (Well, I think I'm young lol) But I've been having these thoughts, what would happen to me when suddenly God takes away my life. Or if Kiamat arrives and I have done nothing but disobey God's orders. These thoughts scares me and I think about them almost every night before I go to sleep. 

Even when I have these thoughts, I still think "Aww no, I'll just take my time. I don't think any of that is gonna happen soon" And I hate that. That there's a tiny voice saying its okay. Its not. So I prayed to God to give me signs or some guidance for me to be a better Muslim. To my surprise, He answered my prayers.

I attended this motivational training for teens. It's supposed to train us to be a future leader. It combines Islam and social science, I believe? And I was fully sponsored by an anonymous sponsor. Attending that training opened my eyes. About how many sins I've commit. How many times I've neglected the Creator. How many times I've never been grateful for what he has given me. 

Attending that training triggered something in me. That it was time. And the training was a few days before Ramadhan. So I thought it was the perfect timing for me to dedicate myself to Allah SWT. I don't want to make empty promises. So this Ramadhan, I will try my hardest to commit myself to my religion and always remember my Creator. Hopefully, I will fully cover my Aurah even after Ramadhan, InsyaAllah.

 

All I Want

I've been having weird emotional turnouts these past couple of weeks and its been hella annoying. One minute I would be acting crazy happy and the next I would be sobbing by myself when a friend of mine accidentally hit me. It didn't even hurt but I cried! Most of the time I would be having this bitchy attitude where everyone would literally hate me. I wouldn't smile, I would only reply to people in a very short sarcastic way to the point where my friend said I was rude. This worries me to be honest because I feel like its a natural thing for me to behave like this but the people around me don't seem to accept that. Since I had this emotional phase, the other day I felt like a person like me shouldn't even have close friends because people would eventually hate me. Wow, you're so harsh and blunt, Isyah. 

Anyway, that wasn't the point of this post though. Its 2.00 am and I just woke up from a very short deep sleep because of the sudden heat wave that crashed the atmosphere in my room. It was raining and cool when I slept, but I woke up to the blast of heat, the worst way to wake up really. Usually when I wake up I would straight away open my eyes and get up from bed when I fail to go back to sleep. But tonight I didn't because my room mate was on her phone talking really enthusiastically and I didn't want to be all awkward and be like "Sup" when she was busy talking on the phone.

So I laid on my hot bed. With my eyes closed. And I start to think. What do I want exactly. I believe that I'm bipolar because everything I do is indecisive. First I would decide to be like this and then I would decide that I'd better not. Like hell, I can't make a decision at all! Be it emotionally or physically,

Emotionally, it would be like what I wrote earlier, On how my moods are never certain. Oh and lately, I've been feeling eerily lonely. This is because all the people around me are somewhat involved with someone else while I'm here rotting alone. So sad la deyy. Pathetic even, hahaha. But I am at the age where I should have my very own boyfriend! I am coming out as a desperate woman aren't I? 

The weird thing is, until last night, I was feeling like this. Like I NEED to have a significant other in my life. But now after I woke up while listening to Marissa babble on with the other person at the other end of the line, I thought to myself, why should I? I am perfectly okay alone. I don't need anyone else in my life to make me feel good about myself. Me, myself and I can be the only source of happiness. I don't even need to suck up to anyone to make me feel better and less lonely.

I have my obsession that can keep me company. I have my interests and hobby to keep me company. I have my future career to keep me company. Why do I need a human being to keep me company? Okay maybe I need to find myself a man but I felt like its not the only thing in the world that I should be worried about. Its better for me to upgrade myself. 

For instance, I would seriously take up exercising (seriously), not to impress anyone else, but to impress myself. I would become this chic person that I always adored (Krystal from fx really is my role model lol) I would focus more on my mom's business without being embarrassed

Oh God, I'm only saying this but I'm just scared that I wont even do shit. Well lets just hope and pray that I wont back down. Cos I really want to improve myself and be a better and new me
HAHAHAHHAA

Funny la me. 

Fucking immature like fuck

Why enter university if you can't be mature and learn to differentiate a joke and a serious thing. Like fuck this is exactly why I feel like quitting all the fucking time. Fuck.